Article Written by Jennifer Finch on Medium

A few days ago, I had an epiphany with the entirety of Self-Care; in theories, in practices, in Barnes and Noble book sections...

I have always struggled with the term “Self-Care” and even “Self-Compassion.” For years I have coined what I teach in my compassion training, resiliency and burnout prevention, and meditation courses:

REBELLIOUS SELF-CARE.

In its truest form, it is discipline without the disciplinarian. We must hold ourselves accountable, and in the harsh reality of it, put ourselves on trial. A crucible approach to examining ourselves with good self-stewardship and compassionate inquiry.

It is not comprised of bubble baths, massages, pedicures and anything that is over with in an hour. In fact, in many ways, all of those fluff practices leave us feeling guilty or ill prepared for our next moment in life that we are now running like a squirrel that just discovered it’s late for something.

These entitlement practices also have a great likelihood of carving out a well- grooved “I deserve” mentality. “I deserve to take a break today and do nothing!” As much as this might feel good, and might even be needed at times, we sabotage our future self when we lock in arms and two-step with the “I deserve” ego. Certainly there is one, even minor thing, you can do today to set your future self up to thank your present/past self.

As a planner, (as my husband reminds me, an authentic Virgo), I have always proactively laid out a forward thinking plan, illuminated like a nighttime runway. Thanksgiving dinner has been established with roots two weeks prior to the harvest dinner. Some onlookers without all the pieces, called this perfectionism, but it’s not that. I am the first to giggle snort when my cake dissolves to runny goo in the oven. And they obviously haven’t seen the inside of my garage. It is about preparation and planning with intention so when the moment arrives, in this case example of said turkey dinner, I can thank my past self for making it feel effortless and easy and enjoyable.

I never really knew how to capture what I was doing, replicate and teach it until I came across @chasehughesofficial Be Your Own Butler Theory.

How Can You Be Your Own Butler?

In Chase Hughes “Lesson 5: The Butler, The Disciplinarian & The Three Selves,” he states quite frankly that “discipline is the ability to be your own butler.”

But he explains that discipline is only on stage for a few weeks until “HABIT” moves in and takes center stage. So this feels workable right!?

The “Butler Theory” works like this:

Pause and think about a butler’s job. Allllllll that it entails. We often don’t even see him/her around, but that doesn’t mean the butler is “deserving a nap.”

The butler’s greatest work is never seen. It lies beyond the realm of recognition, praise, and acknowledgment. And it is other-centered. Driven by the anticipation of his/her master’s future needs. Altuistically compassionate.

Chase states, “The master wakes up in the morning the butler has laid out all his clothes, done the dishes, the butler has already done everything.”

So how can we make this applicable to our everyday lives?

Hughes breaks it down into a simple Dickens Christmas Carol of having a Past, Present and Future self.

“ Your present self is grateful for the actions of your past self. Your present self is 100% concerned for your future self!”

“Gratitude going back, care moving forward.”

I like to think of it as having your present self sending your future self a postcard. And like a chain-letter, that actually works, the gift just keeps on giving. We keep paying “ it” (gratitude, thanks, appreciation etc.) forward to ourselves. We recognize and praise our own selves. And we can thankfully and finally let go of all of that effort seeking external validation.

It becomes a cyclical habit loop of self-promotion.

The key for this to work is, as Hughes explains, discipline. Your present self must come to grips with avoidance, cravings, procrastination, or the “I deserve” ego. Present self must refrain from any conflictual desires that go against your future self’s happiness and ease.

Chase humorously reports that often throughout his day he will ramble such praise and recognition in this forward/backward direction of gratitude for past self, and care for future self. “Chase is really going to love this” as I meal prep for the week… I might even respond with, “Thanks, bro…”

I myself, will have to work on that tactic, it feels a bit extra. But I can see the benefits. You will have to decide if the vocalized positive feedback is necessary or helpful.

“When your current self is always thanking your past-tense self, things aregoing well. When your current self is concerned mostly with taking care of your future self, things will continue to go well.” — Chase Hughes

The butler theory of self-care, gripped me and shook it up. It isn’t some cheesy platitude that leaves us in a purgatory loop. If I take a bubble bath today, how does that set me up for my future self? If we gain traction in this forward-thinking we can get 7 steps ahead of our own selves and that builds in plenty of time for spontaneity, drop-in fun, relaxation, and time for friends.

Since applying this concept over the past few days, I have begun to exercise a tiny bit again and it feels marvelous, I have cleaned out one junk drawer, and I have folded a mountain of laundry. None of it felt big. None of it felt overwhelming. And it even left room for me to pause and pass the message forward to you. “Thanks past me!”

How are you taking care of your future self?

And in what ways is your past self sabotaging your present self and therefore undercutting your future self?

Chase leaves us with these powerful contemplations:

• Did your past-tense self leave you a sink full of dishes?

• Did your past-tense self go to bed late and not give a shit what time you had to wake up?

• Did your past-tense self make you get into an unmade bed?

• Did your past-tense self create a bad financial situation for you?

It’s time to move your focus into being the butler of your future self.

A simple definition of true discipline: Discipline is when you present-tense self prioritized the needs of the future self over their own.

I encourage you to follow Chase Hughes and learn his applicable techniques to success. Thank you Chase for continuing to rise and lift others with your work.

Now, go be your own butler!

Jennifer Chase Finch, LPC, SEP, CBCT®

Somatic Experiencing Trauma Therapist. Compassion + Nonduality Meditaton. Kintsugi Wellness. Curriculum Developer + Courses. www.beherenowmindfulness.com

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